Three Powerful Phrases
The Moment Every Parent (or Teacher) Knows
I looked over at my student. “Here we go again,” I thought. Mark, neurodivergent, brilliant, and seemingly defiant, was staring at the graphic organizer. He slouched lower on the green bench seat, arms crossed, every bit of his body saying to me, “There is no way I’m going to do this.” He and I were in an all-too-familiar place. The battle royale is about to commence.
But one thing was different this time. I had recently discovered Dr. Becky Kennedy and had heard her speak about three powerful words. I took deep four breaths--exhales longer than inhales--letting my nervous system know that we are not about to die. I slowly walked over to Mark (because anytime I slow down, my brain slows down too) and sat beside him on the bench.
What I Wanted to Say…and What I Chose Instead
“There is no way I’m going to do this.” Every bone in my body wanted to say, “Oh yes you are!” But instead I responded,
“I believe you.”
And then I sat there. In the uncomfortable silence. Just letting those three words make their way like seeds beyond his defenses and take root in his tender heart. After a minute, I asked, “May I circle back around in 5 minutes?” He shrugged, which I snatched up as agreement. I set my phone timer and checked in on other students.
The timer went off, and I gratefully found myself in a curious posture. How would this new experiment turn out? As I walked back to Mark (slowing down yet again), I saw him leaning over the paper. I settled next to him. He quietly said, “I’m not sure what to do first.”
“Tell me more.” And so, we began working through it together.
Why These Words Matter
Three words, delivered with curiosity and calm, changed the atmosphere. They showed Mark that I valued his experience. They validated his feelings as legitimate. Whether he started working or not wasn’t the point right now. It didn't mean that there might not be consequences or boundaries later.
The point was building a relationship and trust between us and validating his experience in that moment.
In this interview with Lewis Howes, Dr. Kennedy offers three phrases that she says all parents need in their toolkit:
“I’m so glad you’re talking to me about this.”
“I believe you.”
“Tell me more.”
Each phrase offers safety and connection.
Everyday Moments
Here are some times that one might try these sentences:
“I don’t want to eat my vegetables.”
“I hate school, and I’m never going back!”
“I’m so nervous about _____.”
“This homework is too hard.”
“I’m scared to sleep alone.”
An Invitation
So, here’s a grand experiment: next time your child (or partner, or friend, or student, or yourself) expresses frustration, resistance, or pain, pause. Breathe. And try one or all of those phrases.
You might find, as I did with Mark, that a crack opens in the defenses and seeds of safety and connection start to grow.
And here’s the bonus! It works with any human, in any relationship. Because, deep down, we all want to be seen, understood, and believed.